I Deserve To Be QueenJuly 25th, 2013
Seniors in the comedy game all like to heed the same warning…“It is a lonely road to the top”
This news did not sway me, as I have been preparing for this for years. My training came in the form of repeatedly playing the role as the other woman in my personal, intimate relationships, or TOWs, as we have been endearingly titled. As early as my first real fling, post college, I fell for my boss. The power he wielded. The control. The command he captured, and especially, those suits. I remember fucking him with my eyes when we were in meetings. He was a married man, looking for a way out. He was a father and not at all suitable for the role. I was 20, and naive, but adventurous…too good of a child growing up, I was itching to experience life…he left his wife and later we married. Even later, our marriage failed.
After that relationship, there were a string of monogamous relationships that all had an adulterous connection. Never consciously seeking out someone who is already spoken for, but unconsciously drawn to them, for there was a certain amount of danger, a challenge, and a guarantee that it would go abso-fucking-lutely no where. I was becoming the catalyst to the the end of many unhealthy relationships. This reputation does not afford many friendships to be maintained and fewer are forged. Not many best friend necklaces being doled out when you pack this type of resume, but you do stay relevant with all the scandal and chatter. The pit of guilt grew inside me and the ability to dislike myself was unparalleled with any other talent I possessed. Something had to change…
Breaking the pattern has proven to be one of my greatest challenges, as if I wanted to change, I was going to have to do something that I had yet to accomplish in my lifetime…I was going to have to give a fuck about myself. In the shuffle of covering up stories of what I had assumed people could not handle about me, I don’t even know who I am anymore. So there it is, time to take myself out on a few dates, court myself if I will. Hopefully I won’t pull the Irish exit and sneak out on myself at 4am which is my typical MO and dudes, you are going to have to start growing some balls and break up with your girl when it isn’t working for you, cuz this shadow gal is out…1 Comment »