The original title of this blog was going to be that the internet was my biggest cockblocker, but after some review, I realized the true culprit. Its me. Yep, lil ol me is what is putting the kibosh on what some experts claim cannot be stopped or changed due to biological wiring. The want and need to be in a relationship. Even movies paint all women to be these pathetic drones always looking to be validated and loved, without the ability to define themselves without a mate….and to that I say, eh, I’m OK alone.
Don’t get me wrong, I am a relationship person, confusing, I know, but I will explain. I am a natural maternal nurturer, which I guess the people I have been so lucky to spend time with in my life have unconsciously been attracted to…or so my therapist tells me. The normal chain of events goes like this, girl meets guy. Girl drinks too much and ends up hanging out with guy more than she would have sober. Guy wants to hang with girl again. Girl is open with guy about wanting to just have fun, be casual, her schedule is busy so she can’t be tied down. Guy does everything in his power to tie her down. Girl loves attention so she hangs out with guy and realizes too late she has been tied down. Girl cuts the ties and heads to bar to drink again, add vodka and repeat.Its a viscous cycle.
Something about saying the relationship status out loud is a catalyst to claustrophobia. Sweat starts to pour, breathing feels constricted, valium is needed….and that is just the beginning of the romance. A couple of months in and I am finding any escape path out of this new union. This is the part that I feel the worst about. I KNOW I AM NOT PERFECT…let’s just add in that disclaimer, but the mental warfare ensues against getting locked into having a “boyfriend.” (I even felt dirty typing that last word). Some of the weapons it uses are “knit-pickers,” you know, when your mind comes up with the dumbest things to be upset about. ie, “I don’t like his casual shoes” or “He doesn’t say excuse me after he belches.” Those are just examples, but if they were true picks, I’m almost positive they could just be communicated and resolved, but instead of doing that the mind just marinates on them and exaggerates their importance until whatever could have been is ruined.
Other weapons include, over-scheduled, family-itis, and so many more…So moral of the story…I’m crazy, and if you still want to date me, just don’t tell me about it! Yikes!1 Comment »
Just spent a weekend in Las Vegas, NV doing some shows, and everywhere we went, we were bombarded with weddings! Just that perfect storm of details kept giving me the flashbacks to 10 years earlier when I was involved in my own ceremony at The Little White Chapel of the Flowers in Vegas, (pictured left).
After graduating from college, I went straight away and worked for Toyota. He was a manager of a dealership and I hated him from the start. He was cocky and condescending and I dreaded calling on his account. He was much older as well…15 years with 4 children.
One day, finishing my day at his dealership, I was invited along to happy hour…and not being one to miss out on a party, I joined. After a few too many gallons of adult beverages, I decided to tell him what I thought of him. Well, he asked me why I wasn’t so friendly and that was my window to share my opinion of him. That conversation was the wrecking ball that busted down the barriers to the relationship we were soon to be consumed with.
He was totally wrong for me in every way. He wasn’t even officially divorced yet, but after that night, we couldn’t spend a minute apart from one another. He suckered me in with his piercing blue eyes, his sense of humor and his english accent, (yes, he was british, dangerous). We spent every day together after that night and eventually also started an auto consulting company as a team. We were unstoppable.
Our company exploded…it was amazing. We travelled to dealerships all over the country so there were very few days a month that we were off work. After a long weekend in Port Arthur, Texas, we received a call that one of our clients had to postpone our visit, so we had a free weekend coming…WOO HOO! We should rest, I say, to which he responds, “why don’t we get married in Vegas?” Ummm, not the most romantic proposal, and he was fresh out of a marriage, had four kids, serious debt, hmmm, weigh out the options….Ok, that was enough, SURE…let’s do this!
We switched our flight to land in Las Vegas and we were on our way! My parents were not too keen on him, so we didn’t tell them, and my sister would probably tell my rents, so didn’t tell her…my bro lived with them, cuz he wasn’t even in high school yet, so couldn’t tell him…hmmmm, ok, so I’m doing this solo…I survived cancer all by myself, supported myself through school alone, why not get married without anyone’s support, just seemed natural.
We landed, went straight to the registrars office, rented some wedding duds, checked into the hotel, took a nap and then made one of the largest gambles of my life…
to be continued………..1 Comment »