I Wanna Sext You Up!

March 6th, 2013

photo 1When someone asks you while sexting why you like to give him a blow job, the answer is not…”cuz I like snacks??”  Shockingly, I learned THAT the hard way.

Dating in this new tech savvy world has led to all new types of sexy communication.  I am mostly a virgin to all these new ways to get your rocks off, but I recently popped my sexting cherry.  It was a total mess of sexy, steamy, awkward, anxiety-ridden, soft core, amateur, plagiarized porn.  Yes, all of those adjectives apply.

It started out simple enough, where we were dancing on the line of light flirting and fun erotic banter that quickly catapulted into a very raw, impassioned and best of all x-rated dialogue.  A language I am  not even close to being a master of.  I rarely even dabble in dirty talk.  I quickly realized I was out of my league.  I’m more a girl of action than talk, but am quickly realizing both skills are a crucial necessity.

Sweating, I began to perspire profusely, glowing with beads of water dripping from me.  Not from the sensual nature of the conversation, but rather, from the absolute panic of unchartered waters.  It was soon followed by tears, and not the cute kind.  I was just a face full of snot, panic and hyperventilation, if this convo had progressed to skype, I would have been done for.  P.S. Skype is the WORST!  I have to get just as dressed up as I would for a date, but without any of the benefits of leaving the house like drinks, food or sex.

The actual responses were carefully crafted by utilizing all resources available.  If there had been an acceptance speech associated to executed sexting on my part it would have gone something like this:

I would like to thank the internet, specifically Google, and 50 shades of Grey for getting me through this.  Oh…and the Lord our Savior for making communication so depersonalized and superficial we no longer rely on the crutches of body language or tone to communicate.

Now if women can just figure out how to orgasm via this form of communication instead of spending days with our girlfriends interpreting the final “I just came” text to find it’s hidden message, we may truly be able to achieve world peace.  Amen.

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Marriage Redefined

March 4th, 2013

photo-4Marriage as a construct, is believed to have originated from a religious foundation with monogamy being one of the core values…although historically, or rather biblically, not one notable figurehead in the number one selling book has been reported as monogamous. Take Solomon for example…he not only had 700 documented wives, but he also kept over 300 concubines.  Most men have a hard time satisfying a single woman, so imagine how dissatisfied all of those women probably were both emotionally and sexually.  Resulting in an unstable cocktail of a high rate of marital failure, confusion and general loss of hope.  Making me believe it might be time to review how necessary it is to sign your single life away on the dotted line.

We live in a time where human beings battle their wiring against the modern emotional and digital age.  An age which doesn’t allow for monogamous relationships to even be sustainable.  Men biologically are wired to provide, protect and produce, women are wired to make babies, nurture, and be dependent on antidepressants. A foundation fighting against the juxtaposed, ego-driven, social media culture, a culture where expression of emotions, flashing material objects like unnecessary eyewear to increase ones appeal.  And BECAUSE this ultimately leaves people unfulfilled, masses have turned to validation sought out in an adulterous, physical manner.

Then there is society’s issue with the legalization and recognition of same-sex marriage.  It holds a very essential weight in a conglomeration of power trip issues over bedroom antics and not love. So, what do we do to resolve this issue?  Should we redefine marriage, giving it a whole new title? Lady slavery was the original choice, but it needs to be more gender neutral, so maybe we should just consider calling it condemnation? I believe it better suits what you are signing up for, but it’s definitely going to change the ratings of the Bachelor.

 

 

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I Could Save A Lot On Match.Com if Someone Could Just Tell Me…

November 20th, 2012

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